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Joke of the Day

"Calculus should be taught in every high school around the world. It is such an integral field of math."

"Friend: check out my conscience shell Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear* Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing"

"What sexual position produces the ugliest babies? Go ask your mother."

"""Oh my god, I've...I've never seen anything like this before. This is incredible"" - me looking at a boob"

"What's the difference between an epileptic clamshell-shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? The clamshell-shucker shucks between fits..."

"(Disney Dating Tips) 1.Kidnap Dad 2.Coerce Daughter 3.Awkward music-filled dates 4.Angry mob danger 5.Stockholm Syndrome -Beauty & the Beast"

"[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today"

"Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now."

"My girlfriend has the hottest ass in the world. Me"

"Sunday is the only day of the week I can say, ""I'll do it in a minute,"" never do it, and not feel guilty."