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Joke of the Day

"My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, ""Big pee pee!"" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on."

"I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat."

"""listen up, I'm only going to show you this once!"" ~ suicide bomber teacher."

"THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree"

"I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once."

"my nana and bb8 i recently got the sphero bb8 and my nana asked 'what is that' 'its bb8' 'who?' 'a robot from star wars' 'oh, so is there a mouse in side it?'"

"I hate having to pretend I like vegetables for the sake of my goddamned children."

"Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says ""I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here."" The other replies, ""You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone."""

"""Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn't have stolen all your jewelry."""

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Imported fair trade from Africa."