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Joke of the Day

"Wore an orange suit for the first time today... I stand by my convictions."

"Let me put things into perspective for you. persp(things)ective"

"My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. . . My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him ""What was the name of his other leg?"""

"Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face."

"How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's what interns are for."

"How many Firefly fans disc it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The just stand around for years bitching about how it went out. EDIT: does not disc."

"I hate it when people tell me I don't need alcohol to have fun. You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps."

"Why did they stop serving beer at Miami Marlins games? They didn't have enough pitchers."

"Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian."

"This: sentence: is: sick: it has :cancer."