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Joke of the Day

"I have an archaeology exam tomorrow And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way... My future's in ruins."

"""Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn't have stolen all your jewelry."""

"Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning..."

"Girl are you a social cause? 'cause you look like something I can get behind!"

"When Germans combine words, we get things like ""flutter mouse"" and ""river horse."" When the English do it, we get ""jorts."""

"You don't need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas."

"Playing golf for the first time this weekend reminded me of my trip to Taiwan It was a good experience and I had a great time, even though I ended up in a few traps."

"A blonde takes her dress into the dry cleaners... On the way out the lady at the counter says ""Come again!"" The blonder replies ""No, this time it's toothpaste you nosy bitch!"""

"Doesn't get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner. Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner."

"My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool."