230180

Joke of the Day

"[wife walks in on me showering] ""Why are you wearing swim trunks?"" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY"

"What do you call an angry Russian? Pissdov"

"So, I was working on my truck today.. And the brake cleaner started to get me high I forgot what I was doing. So, I was working on my truck today..."

"His dick is like shopping for food at whole foods. It doesn't matter how much I get, or when I get it. I always feel fucked."

"I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone."

"Knock knock. Who's there? Hakeem. Hakeem who? Hakeem in like a wrecking ball!!!"

"If Hillary Clinton stripped off her pant suit, what would you see? Depends."

"With Hanukkah upon us, how does a Jewish man prepare his tea? Hebrews it."

"Why does Santa give better presents to rich kids? Because poor kids have behavioural problems! \*rimshot\*"

"Cop: ""Did you kill this man?"" Me: ""No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."""