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Joke of the Day

"Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused."

"Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die."

"Why don't Asians like bowling Because it's bowring I'm sorry"

"Most hookers don't give a fuck because it's much more profitable to sell a fuck."

"A college in Boston is offering a major in comedy... One student commented, ""I think I have a future in this. Every time I tell someone what I'm studying, they laugh."""

"[1st date] ""I'm really into roll playing,"" I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss."

"Who else takes their phone out when you're in public by yourself, just so you don't look like some idiot with no friends."

"I cant believe Whoopi Goldberg hasn't legally changed her last name to ""Cushion."" I mean, why even be a celebrity??"

"Why did the pig join the Army? He heard the food was a mess."

"Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow? It was Terror bull."