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Joke of the Day

"Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused."

"Why did the Indian chief name his daughter. 99? Because she was always under a buck"

"Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?"

"They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun. *crashes vehicle* ""OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!"" *dies smiling*"

"Two atoms are in a bar One says to another: ""I think I've lost an electron today."" The other one replies "" are you sure?"" ""I'm positive!"""

"You know, there's one thing I have yet to witness in life. A crippled stand-up comedian."

"Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies"

"I had a near death experience and I saw heaven. There were people screaming and there was fire everywhere."

"Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request."

"What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? I don't know but it would slow him down."