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Joke of the Day

"I hate when I'm in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume"

"Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live"

"The new Tattoo parlor across the street is free if you show boobs... ...Tit for tat."

"So what if I don't have a perfect body?! I'm way better off than I was when I started. Ya know, a baby that used to shit his pants. I do that way less now."

"My baby cousin is completely spoiled... ten minutes is way too long to microwave a baby."

"Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans."

"Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar? Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers"

"The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich... And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad."

"He: That's a handsome dog. What's his name? She: Roger He: Does he bite? She: No He: How does he eat then?"

"How many Software Engineers does it take to change a light-bulb? None. It's a hardware problem."