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Joke of the Day

"For 30 minutes after my first cup if coffee I love everybody. If I could bottle that feeling we could fix the world."

"me: ""so is this a date?"" hitchhiker: ""um"""

"Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery? Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now."

"Son - Dad, you wanted a boy or a girl? Dad - seriously son, i just wanted to fuck."

"The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses."

"Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor? Because he didn't feel well."

"I just want someone to like me. Not you. I meant someone pretty."

"wife: YOU changed the sheets?! [flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere] me: Surprise!"

"How do chinese people name their childre n? They throw a toaster down the stairs. *I realize this is old but I don't know how many people have heard it, so just spreading the joke*"

"If I had to pick between being a hardcore Democrat and being a hardcore Republican I would definitely choose a noose."