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Joke of the Day

"Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don't even think of kissing me unless you're hanging upside down from a building."

"Did you hear that Castro's body double retired? He was tired of playing second Fidel."

"Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole? Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can't be that."

"I'M POOPING MY PANTS I MEAN I'M PUKING MY PANTS I MEAN I'M PEEING MY PANTS I REALLY DONT WANT THESE PANTS ANYMORE."

"My wife says I'm irresponsible with money! No change there then."

"The rules of weed do not work for pussy.. If you can smell it across the room, it's not the good shit."

"LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: ""I Did The Murder."" JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed"

"Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones"

"Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ?? Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves."

"What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium."