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Joke of the Day

"nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou."

"who lives in a pineapple in the back of the white van Spongebob, go meet him kids he has free candy, go and look"

"How many babies does it take to paint a wall?? Depends how hard you throw them."

"My friends say I have a gambling addiction... I bet I don't."

"The leader of my weekly therapy group told me that doing positive things gives you happiness. So now I only have sex with hookers who say they're positive."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey!"

"I'm going as president Obama for Halloween this year. I'll tell you you're getting different candy, but it will be the same candy from last year."

"Is it me or.. Is it me or does this place smell like up dog? ""What's up dog?"" Oh nothing much what's up with you?"

"Did I mention ... I can't believe it's nearly Christmas. I once tried to balance a board on two wheels. Did I mention I make terrible segways?"

"I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back"