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Joke of the Day

"Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today? 5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery."

"Why does Sean Connery hog all of the oysters at a seafood dinner? Because it's shellfish."

"Sorry girls, I'm no Bruno Mars, I won't catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I'd use you as a human shield."

"FRIEND: haha she's so cutesay it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar"

"What do you call someone who just occasionally dabbles in a bit of Islamic fundamentalism? A Wahhobbyist."

"wh is bhdiffrnece bet?wen corn it's the method"

"Change the last word of your favorite movie title to ""Impregnator"" e.g. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's **Impregnator** Transformers, Revenge of the **Impregnator**"

"Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: ""My Aunt Lydia."""

"If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old,and tell them its santa clause."

"Ordering beef: ""Was this killed humanely? Did it suffer?"" Ordering lobster: ""I'd like to rip this to pieces in front of its entire family."""