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Joke of the Day

"Ordering beef: ""Was this killed humanely? Did it suffer?"" Ordering lobster: ""I'd like to rip this to pieces in front of its entire family."""

"I can't help but feel partially responsible for the fact that you're reading this Tweet right now."

"why is it so hard to solve a murder in Kentucky? Because everyone is related and there are no dental records."

"Encyclopedias are just ghetto Google."

"What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her ""why are you so upset"" ""I'm having a midwife crisis"""

"Almost that time of year, again. Deer gun season, or as the deer call it, the annual holocaust."

"What did the creepy scientist say to his new creepy wife? Let's grow MOLD together!"

"I've always wanted to be a plumber But it's probably just a pipe dream."

"Only assholes name drop. Bruce Springsteen told me that."

"Why is Six afraid of Seven Because Seven is a Six offender."