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Joke of the Day

"Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?"

"Yo mama so fat... She takes up more mass than her thin friend."

"So sweet how people try to mask their crippling insecurities with bitchiness instead of alcohol like normal people."

"I know what it's like to be pulled back from death and appreciate life more since I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and it still works"

"*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge* *Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit* *Buys $80 worth of donuts*"

"I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places."

"I have ADHD. Yup, high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus."

"Whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? (first ever post in a year on reddit!) One has hydraulics and the other high bollocks! Brilliantly told by my Irish cousin."

"[in church] ""And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins."" [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]"

"I would rather cuddle then have sex. If your good with grammar you'll get it."