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Joke of the Day

"ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*"

"How do you stop a dog from jumping your leg? Pick it up and give it a blowjob."

"I heard the founder of Apple was actually kidnapped by the government of Mexico Damn Mexicans always stealing our Jobs"

"What do a good vacuum cleaner and a bad vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck."

"Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job."

"What religion do Saudi Arabian cows follow? Mooslim"

"How did Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code!"

"Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* ""sketchy"". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out."

"Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you"

"Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'"