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Joke of the Day

"My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies"

"I'm concerned about my local funeral parlour closing down It's right on the high street, but every time I walk past it's dead in there"

"I'm 25, which means I'm just as far from 10 as I am from 40. Although, in terms of money and maturity, I'm still way closer to 10."

"Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee"

"What kind of amphibian is in charge of the salad bar? a salad-manager"

"Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!"

"9 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times."

"what do you call an italian whore? a pastatute lol"

"Why did they name golf golf? Because fuck was already taken."

"Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you."