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Joke of the Day

"5 years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me. Last spring, I asked her to be my wife. Both times she said no."

"Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret. Pat: Thank you. Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies."

"I heard if you went on a diet.. you could end world hunger."

"Heard if the Obama diet? Putin eats your lunch everyday..."

"Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space."

"I asked my Dad, ""Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?"" ""Your mom's sister."""

"What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool? I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!"

"What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"

"Ad: You like to save money, right? Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary"

"I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars"