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Joke of the Day

"I ran over my cat with a lawnmower. I guess you could say I tore that pussy up."

"So my friends played a practical joke on me They gave me a candy bar & told me it was chocolate, but it was actually carob. Fucking carob terrorists!"

"I still haven't found the key to happiness... ...but I'm starting to feel like whoever locked it up is a real dick."

"Cops in the U.S. are like vampires They suck, their bloodthirsty, and can't come in your home unless invited!"

"What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?"

"Wind chimes. Something I've never purchased. Can't see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what'd be nice? Noise."

"Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered."

"""But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' "" Genesis 19:26"

"Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I'm going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire."

"Someone on my FB posted a snap that said ""I'm boared"" And I'm just like....... *don't comment *don't comment *don't comment *don't comment"