85436

Joke of the Day

"Cops in the U.S. are like vampires They suck, their bloodthirsty, and can't come in your home unless invited!"

"All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television."

"What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky"

"My drug dealer cracks me up."

"Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies."

"My parents never taught me how to be humble or modest I'm just naturally incredible at it."

"What's the difference between a Boko Haram training camp and a Nigerian refugee camp? I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet."

"What's the difference between a politician and a bucket of shit? The bucket."

"[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare] And here's more footage of people, but I'm sure apes will be in this film any minute now.."

"[at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: ""what d'you call a fly with no wings"" dave: ""keith dont"" me: ""a WALK!"" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]"