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Joke of the Day

"I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there."

"On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat's all chatty... I cover the receiver and hiss ""Shhh, you want them to hear you?"""

"What RoflWhale really stands for. Rolling on the floor laughing while having a lubricated ejaculation!"

"If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank. Colonel sounds right to me."

"Why did x and y break up? They couldn't function together."

"""Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!"" *Snatches glass and hands to my wife"

"I was dropped on my head as a baby but not as hard as the pound just dropped."

"How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!"

"Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over? A: A dirty double crosser."

"My wife wasn't amused... Her: Be careful traffic is crazy. Me: If I can handle you, traffic should be a cinch!"