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Joke of the Day

"""I'd hit that if I was drunk."" - Me, driving by a mailbox just now."

"My Aunt Used to Drink 13's It's the Polish version of the seven & seven. Source: my dad... Not sure if he made it up or what but made me laugh."

"How do beekeepers keep their bees so chill? They smoke them out."

"Obligatory Light Bulb Do you know how many librarians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, but I know where you can look it up!"

"*adult mutant ninja turtles sit in the kitchen doing taxes* you guys wanna smoke a joint? ""were not teens anymore dude"" *donatello sobs*"

"I used to go to church as a kid. I got so tired of having to kneel, and sit and stand-up all the time. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me."

"If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife."

"Praying is a lot like masturbation. It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about."

"ELI5: with the recent outbreak of Ebola why hasn't Madagascar sealed it's borders yet?"

"A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn't even worried cause it's probably not good at its job yet."