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Joke of the Day

"When my wife tells me to jump I have only one question... Why aren't you in the kitchen?"

"How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you."

"Turtle Empathy You know when someone's talking to you and you don't give a fuck about what they're saying? I bet that's how turtles feel about everything."

"People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss. No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills."

"Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever - not dying. Score."

"[Bank robbery] *Other robbers jump into getaway van* ""DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!"" ""Okie dokie."" * Starts to adjust mirrors*"

"A man has been killed after an E-cigarette exploded in his mouth. ""His face was a complete mess."" Said the coroner. ""But his lungs were mint."""

"A rehabilitated crack addict says to his doctor: ""I'm going to stay clean this time"" The doctor replied: ""I'm afraid that's just a pipe dream"""

"How many Mexicans do you need to change a Lightbulb? Juan."

"What did the Chinese food say to the patron? ""Please, don't eat me! I'm Egg Foo Yung to die!"""