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Joke of the Day

"Exercising Grandmother My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is."

"I need an ex-boyfriend so I have something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning."

"The earthquake shortened Earth's day by 1.8 microseconds, so don't expect me to get everything done this week."

"The twin towers is the best LOTR movie in the franchise"

"The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?"

"I hate moving house... It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again. I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard."

"Life is like a dick pic... Sometimes you get things you don't ask for."

"I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: ""Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."""

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance."

"Did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes? So if you take her on a date, you'd better not teller any."