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Joke of the Day

"What did the scientist say at the bar? I'd like some H20 please."

"Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road."

"I was shopping with my 4yo the other day... when he suddenly exclaimed infront of the hot cashier that ""Daddy has a penis!"" I was so embarrased. Big penis honey, big penis."

"What's the difference between a drunk driver, and a stoned driver? The drunk driver will drive right through a stop sign. The stoned driver will stop and wait for it to turn green."

"Minnie Mouse comes home to Mickey and tells him she wants to get a divorce Mickey: ""What? Think of what this will do to the ratings! Are you fucking crazy!?"" Minnie: ""No dear, I'm fucking Goofy"""

"I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story."

"Why did the witch go commando? She needed some better grip on her broomstick."

"The NSA can see our emails but can they see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"

"Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married"

"Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid."