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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash, the other is delicious."

"*Ouija board begins spelling* H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E ""Ooooh, spooky"" G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N ""Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else"""

"[hears baby crying in the next room] ""It's ok, I'll go."" [gets in car & goes to a motel]"

"It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again."

"I just don't get it...My wife's friends come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the ""why aren't you wearing pants"" look."

"I could live in this house for a million years and still second guess which switch is for the garbage disposal every time."

"The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it."

"Calling someone average is mean but I think they are the mean"

"I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r' It was the longest 3 hours of my life."

"Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you'd brought a knife."