224093

Joke of the Day

"100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn't know this survey involved being stuck in a tree"

"[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing"

"Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don't get the thank you wave."

"Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do."

"I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags."

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And rape. Also, the dark. And being buried alive. Mondays. Most people, too. (and insects)"

"Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it."""

"Tonight's flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze. It's a word? Whatever, man. I don't know algebra and shit."

"What do you call it when you torture corn to death? Macabre!"

"Happy Mothers Day We love all you mothers."