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Joke of the Day

"I keep all of my fishing equipment in one place. That's what sea shed."

"*opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?"

"Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my ""M"" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic"

"When I die I want to go quietly, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and freaked out, like his passengers were."

"I call bs on the Ninja Turtles having those ripped abs. No way you could do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me Ive tried."

"From my 5 year old: Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange Who? Orange you glad I love you? All my awws."

"I try not to spend too much time online... ...but Wi-Fight it?"

"Dear grapefruit, putting the name of a better fruit in your name doesn't change the fact that you taste like a lemon's butthole."

"I bought a new book today called ""How to end your pet's life with dignity"" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down."

"My son was crying and asked, ""why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?"" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog."