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Joke of the Day

"If really good-looking people are ""eye candy"" I guess that puts me somewhere around the ""eye broccoli"" category."

"[quietly] ""Always a bridesmaid never the bride"" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! ""Shhh...this day is about you, not me."""

"*At a clothing store* Worker: Do you need any help sir? Me: *Mixes ""No, I'm good"" & ""No, I'm just looking""* Me:""No, I'm just good looking"""

"I made a joke XD What do you call it when a soldier gets laid? *Tactical Insertion.* What do you call it when a COD player gets laid? *Lies.*"

"""Why does stuff like this always happen to me?"" - gay passenger on Titanic"

"Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke."

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month.... Wait, sorry. That came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month."

"Isn't it time we stopped celebrating Columbus day? Peter Falk died in 2011."

"mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet mom: (._. ) me: I'm just kidding call the cops"

"Shit old people Google: 1. Dubstep 2. Skrillrex 3. Hashtag 4. DTF 5. Steampunk 6. Pinterest 7. Linsanity 8. Scarlett Johansson naked"