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Joke of the Day

"What if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up, You could plug it into your computer And watch them over again."

"I had loads of bird seed as well as loads of parrots with headaches. Trying to hold onto all the bird seed but the parrots ate 'em all"

"[Alligator feeding at the zoo] Me: Hey let me do it Keeper: 1st time? M: Heck no *alligator takes me by the arm* I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME"

"While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real."

"According to my wife's diary, I have boundary issues."

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea. I wouldn't pay $300 to let a lentil on my face."

"A really hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years time. I mean, come on guys, I don't have 20/20 vision."

"MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts."

"Tried to inhale a pot seed to see if I could grow a pot plant in my lungs. Swallowed it instead and got a pot belly."

"""It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean."" But it takes much longer to get to England on a rowboat."