223188

Joke of the Day

"i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand"

"Wrong number Some guy keeps texting ""stand and deliver"" to me. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant"

"They say dad's a transvestite. -Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite! -Son, your mom's in the kitchen."

"If someone on your bus says ""my butthole is 28"", what do you think that means, exactly?"

"7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content -WTF -OMG -Huh -FAIL -LOL -NOPE -why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter"

"Imagine yourself, you just woke-up on the street without pants & underwear, with sperm dripping from your derriere, would you tell anyone? No? So what are you doing next weekend?"

"[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ""Go left."" -""Dude those are trees."" ""trust me."""

"What is a Jamaican's favorite video game? Smoke-a-mon"

"Him: You're a DJ? I'm not one for dancing. I've got this leg, you see? I've had it since the war. Me: How long have you had the other one?"

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."