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Joke of the Day

"Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I'm Batman now."

"[a dolphin kisses me at sea world] ME: so like what are we"

"What did the fruit enthusiast do as he was dying? Prepear for the end."

"""First things first I'm the illest. Drop this & let the whole world feel it, and I'm still in the Murda Bizness I could hold you down like I'm givin' lessons in killin' ""-Ebola"

"Cop: Know why I stopped you? SUPER DANCE OFF?? Cop: OH YEAH OH YEAH? Cop: No, not really. There's a warrant for your arrest. oh no"

"Can anyone help me load Angry Birds on my PalmPilot? If so hit me up on my pager..."

"Why do skeletons have so many kids? Because all they can do is bone."

"I really enjoyed reading the Diary of Anne Frank Although I was disappointed it ended rather abruptly"

"Why didn't Russia return the NSA whistleblower to the United States? He was Snowden."

"What did the daschund say when he was neutered? Auf weinersehen"