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Joke of the Day

"I've always been told I shouldn't assume... Because it makes an ass out of u and me."

"Interviewer: do you have any final questions? Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?"

"Did you hear what happened when Oedipus got flu? He became one sick mother fucker."

"I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot."

"What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common. They both barely cover the asshole. (gota give Seth Myer credit for this one)."

"Did you see the story about the missing dolphin? I'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise..."

"Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent."

"What is a baby's dream job? Working at a winery."

"What are Russian clothes always made out of? Lenin."

"Where do baby apes sleep? Apricots."