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Joke of the Day

"How long does it take a satellite to reach Uranus? Bend over and I'll show you."

"Pick out a dog at an animal shelter and everything's ok. Pick out a girlfriend at a woman's shelter and everyone loses their mind."

"Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you"

"So someone called me a dick... So it got me thinking, yeah it checks out; roommates are a couple of nuts, neighbor's an asshole, and my friend is kind of a cunt."

"The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK"

"""Daddy what is a transvestite?"" ""Ask Mommy, he knows."""

"To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud."

"How do you save a drowning black family? As a .jpg"

"Why did Microsoft go straight from Windows 8 to Windows 10? BECAUSE SEVEN ATE NINE *drops mic*"

"Come Party! I tried to host a bukakke party... but nobody came."