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Joke of the Day

"To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud."

"There was a shooting at the Apple store last night. There were no iWitnesses."

"Him: You hang up first. Me: *click"

"What did the tuba say to the clarinet? Nothing, instruments don't talk."

"Why is my girlfriend like a deep fat fryer? They're both dangerously hot and belong in the kitchen."

"A jewish boy goes up to his father and says ""Abba, I need 40 dollars."" The father looks surprised and says "" THIRTY DOLLARS? What do you need Twenty dollars for?"""

"Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable."

"Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch."

"How do you have a rave in Greece? Blu-Tac a euro to the ceiling."

"What do you call a feminist that raps about women's rights? Feminem"