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Joke of the Day

"To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud."

"Donald Trump managed to build his wall and kept the mexicans out. Now he has a new target for extinction: Ladders, ropes, shovels, airplanes..."

"Time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world. For example, in some parts of the U.S. it's still 1950."

"I like my women the way... I like my wine...12 years old and in the cellar."

"Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

"What kind of jokes does a priest tell? Dad jokes"

"*on date* Me [don't let her know you're married] I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone. Her: oh that's cool. Me: yeah my wife got it for me."

"4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank."

"What do you call a black pilot? You call him a pilot! you racist!"

"My wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better"