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Joke of the Day

"My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me."

"WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her"

"A skinny girl and an overweight girl are standing in line on Friday morning. As the Walmart manager unlocks the door, skinny girl says, ""remember, black Friday lives matter."""

"Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length. Me: You could stop cutting."

"My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face I'm lack toes intolerant"

"Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don't think I am real anymore."

"What do you get a first dad for father's day? Condoms. Courtesy of my witty ole' uncle mike"

"If someone tells you they made something with ""love"" DO NOT EAT IT! Cause that is just way too nasty."

"So Brazil at the World Cup..."

"Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe."