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Joke of the Day

"""This went straight to my junk mail for some reason"" = ""I'm lying to you for some reason"""

"Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms."

"Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't ""Goodnight"" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?"

"I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes."

"All I'm saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane."

"Namast'ay Away from negative people."

"How do you know ancient Egyptians were black? Because they never dig up daddies."

"14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana? Me: Today? 14yo: What? Me: What?"

"What do a tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue have in common? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!"

"""Let It Go"" performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though."