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Joke of the Day

"Why was the burger thrown out of the Army? He couldn't pass mustard! (muster)"

"Every time I text this guy, he replies with ""Sorry, I'm driving."" It's been a few days. I'm guessing he's probably made it to Mexico by now."

"Yo mama's so ugly, the day she died and met saiten, saiten made her leader of hell.."

"When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky] But that means.... [Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]"

"There is a guy who lives in my town that holds the record for the most concussions by a human. He actually lives right near me, only a stone's throw away."

"What can a mathematician and a pedophile agree upon? 11 is a prime number."

"What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch."

"I'd be a more productive writer if the machine I use 2 write wasn't also the machine I use 2 find pics of celebrity nipples."

"""RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"" ""Kraken's not here."" ""What? Ugh! What can we release?"" ""Gary's here."" ""Gary?! Dammit! Fine... RELEASE THE GARY!"""