220421

Joke of the Day

"2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son *son begins describing his 500 new Pokemon cards* Well, there's always next year"

"Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo."

"[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to"

"I knew a man with a mushroom farm. What a fun guy."

"What is white and lies in the grass? A shleep."

"All the world does is try to tear us apart. -me to my bed every morning"

"How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the F out of safe, and the F out of way."

"Why can't Hellen Keller Drive? She's a Woman.... No, Seriously, it's cause she's dead."

"Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over? Me- Because I fucked your mom? Cop- Get out of the car! Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?"

"My wife and i lost 150 pounds combined! Shes much prettier without those other 149 weighing her down"