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Joke of the Day

"It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind."

"The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling ""woo hoo"", but after that my schedule is wide open"

"I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol I think I will quit reading soon."

"What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want it? Cunt!"

"A woman is at her father's deathbed. She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. ""Dad, I'm sorry,"" she whispers. ""Goodbye, Sorry,"" he says, ""*I'm dead.*"""

"Christmas cards are how old people say, ""Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"""

"I went to the doctor today and he told me I have a big dick and a small heart... He also told me I was dyslexic."

"Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil' Wayne."

"At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting."

"Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you."