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Joke of the Day

"It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn't laugh at something."

"What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor (My nephew is watching Spongebob please send help my brain cells are leaving one by one)"

"*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?"

"Me: Shut the door, I need privacy 4y/o: But we're family! Me: Families don't watch each other go poop 4:You watch me poop! Me:...take a seat"

"Do not adopt a snow leopard? i did its ruined the sofa, there is shit all over the house,my arms are in ribbons and now i cant find the dog, i think some charities can be downright irresponsible!"

"What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops"

"Did I tell you guys about my awesome camping trip? Yea, it was in tents"

"What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !"

"I want to get into the porn industry But the competition is really stiff."

"I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect ""I've"" to ""me've"" and me'm really excited about it."