219746

Joke of the Day

"[Text convo] Her: Can I come over right now? Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure."

"Why did the phone get away with its crime? Because it had good connections!"

"What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, ""When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"" ###SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!"

"The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club."

"Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a pinata."

"What do you call a Hispanic guy's quest to get gender reassignment surgery? Manuel Trans Mission"

"An Optimist sees the glass as half-full. A PEZimist fills it with candy."

"How do you find will smith in a snow storm?? Just look for the fresh prints. BOOOM!"

"My salad for lunch is missing one key ingredient which would make it perfect. Donuts."

"What did the perverted sauce say to the Chinese Ribs? .. I'm only Peking."