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Joke of the Day

"Mom: Take out the trash *I take the trash on a lovely date* Mom: Not what I meant *I assassinate the trash in an ally* Mom: Still wrong"

"QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT MY FOUNDING FATHER! - strict constitutional constructionist teen to the President"

"You ever hear the one about the super-competitive guy who joined a circlejerk? He came in first *and* third. (Ngaio Bealum)"

"unrelated but I believe strongly that Woody Woodpecker is a lesbian"

"I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat."

"What do you call a custard when it goes bad? Off-pudding."

"It's greats having your doctor say you're narcissistic. It's like being compared to the stuff of legends."

"My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since."

"Last night I dreamt I was a muffler I woke up exhausted"

"I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist."