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Joke of the Day

"I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist."

"It was raining... The man blotting his wet shoes with newspapers, explained, ""These are The Times that dry men's soles."""

"I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it."

"Set of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bartender looks them up and down really slow and says, OK, I'll serve you, but don't be starting anything."

"Whats the difference between a zippo and a hippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter."

"What do a burnt pizza and a baby have in common? Some idiot pulled it out to late"

"Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use."

"Horrible Breakfast wife: ""do u want your eggs boiled?"" husband: ""no, first boil your milk"""

"It's time for my wife's 12 week sonogram! I can't wait to see what we'll have! A son or an abortion"

"What's the fastest way to lose weight? Puking and shitting at the same time."