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Joke of the Day

"Half of middle aged mothers don't go to the cinemas I don't believe that where do they make all their phone calls"

"I wish I was half excited about anything as a four year old is to push an elevator button."

"I can't decide which room not to clean first."

"What do you call a good fortune teller? Optimystic"

"Yesterday my friend said he was scoring all of these bitches! It turned out he was just walking 15 pitbulls! Lame..."

"An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job... No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer"

"To celebrate Star Wars we baked some ""Wookie Cookies"". They were a little on the Chewy side."

"what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free"

"I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand That way when it starts to run out I can say, ""Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"""

"""You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself"" ~ 5th Amendment, understood by nobody onTwitter."