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Joke of the Day

"If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)"

"Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say ""You silly goose."""

"Two Calamari Two calamari walk into a pub. Bartender asks, ""What'll ya have?"" ""We'll have a Hurricane and a Sex On the Beach"" says squid A. Bartender pauses and says, ""That'll be three squid then."""

"Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Food is great but the atmosphere is terrible!"

"Just once I'd like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult."

"I walked into chemistry class... It was Boron"

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing But you mean your mother.......I mean another"

"[calls home] son: hello me: hi, put mom on the phone son: I can't me: why son: she's too heavy"

"Who is the scientist's favorite zombie? The schrodinger cat."

"I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself"