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Joke of the Day

"I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?"

"How does Dwayne Johnson Party? Like a ROCK Star."

"Yo mama so fat she should be concerned because diabetes is a serious problem."

"You send yourself a message through time. ""Invest in google"" it says. You don't have money in the past either. Nothing Changes"

"Wife: we need to improve our home Me: agreed Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority Me: [crosses out ""get more dogs""] obviously"

"My daughter's favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he'll have a wife."

"Cops: You were driving while intoxicated Me: I was in no condition to walk"

"Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn't have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get"

"I wish my kid had a ""BAD MOTHERFUCKER"" tattoo so that when asked which one was mine I could say ""THE ONE THAT SAYS BAD MOTHERFUCKER ON IT!"""

"My biggest fear in life is dying from the .01% of germs that the hand sanitizer doesn't kill."