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Joke of the Day

"People who leave careers to ""spend more time with the family"" must have really shitty careers or a MUCH better family than mine."

"My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew."

"Are you a shark, cause I got some swimmers for you to swallow."

"My phone auto corrected Donut into Donuts. I never felt more proud to be an American."

"""I always feel so self-conscious when I'm out in public,"" I told my girlfriend. ""Don't worry, you aren't that ugly,"" she sniggered. I said, ""No, but you are."""

"don't hate robert altman's 1992 satirical comedy ""the player"" hate david fincher's 1997 psychological thriller ""the game"""

"Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both substitute meats."

"Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja."

"Because you crave something doesn't mean it's good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death."