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Joke of the Day

"Q. Why do blondes smile when it's lightning? A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken."

"Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you're considering me for the job."

"Two muffins are in the oven... One of them says ""it's getting hot in here."" The other muffin says ""Holy shit, a talking muffin!"""

"The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking."

"When you're feeling bored and unsatisfied with life, just remember... That there are some people who think Golf is interesting."

"Wine improves with age, I improve with wine."

"It took eating 1 chocolate covered almond for me to make the decision that I will eat like shit for the rest of the day."

"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers...because I can always count on them."

"On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes"

"It's white, it's ceramic, and it taps on your door. Let that sink in."