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Joke of the Day

"Yo girl, are you my appendix? Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out."

"Women order the fuck out of coffee. ""Give me a chocolate mocha latte with 3 sugars, 2 Splendas, 4 elf pubes and 2 grams of pixie dust."""

"What do you call a woman-hating masseuse? A massage-onist."

"[sees fly] Hmm... I think I'll name this creature ""Fly."" [sees bird] GODDAMMIT"

"So apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, ""a way out"" isn't the right answer."

"What is a Cambodian's favorite meal? Pol Pot."

"How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia? By saying Alderaan things."

"I've been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me."

"""Gotta wake up early"" *sets alarm for 5am* *wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm* *goes back to sleep*"

"""Doc, it's embarrassing, but I don't feel sexy."" ""Try wearing the wife's panties."" ""Really?"" ""Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice"""