217293

Joke of the Day

"Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier."

"Fidel Castro just passed away... ...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him."

"Why are protein shakes such loners? They're whey isolate."

"My credit card was stolen yesterday... Not sure if I should report it, the thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does."

"What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man!"

"I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he'd know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars."

"God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people [creates Twitter]"

"I went to the shops to get eight cans of sprite. But when i was walking back i realized Id only picked 7 up"

"Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack mainly because their hearts are already broken"

"Did you hear the one about the Vegan diet? Really? I'm shocked they didn't tell you already."