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Joke of the Day

"How do you keep an idiot in suspense for 24 hours? I'll tell you the answer tomorrow."

"They don't treat the black people right. In our neighborhoods, they don't have banks -- they have check cashing."

"If you find me passed out in Austin this weekend with a penis drawn on my face at least have the decency to not tag me in the facebook pic."

"My dad drowned while at work in a vat of cake mix I know it sounds unlikely but there were some very strong currants"

"if u told me 20yrs ago that we'd have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I'd have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993"

"What do you get when you kiss a bird? Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable!"

"What do you call an average ogre? Mediogre."

"It's funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you."

"I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but... ...Their projections weren't very good."

"The worktops in my kitchen were put in by a professional counter-fitter... Turns out they were fake."